2016: The Year in Review
by Mike Crumplar
Setting: Civic-theme Georgetown design well-connected well-to-do family, they knew the Kennedys, Georgetown design George Washington portrait on cream field dark brown furniture quoting Hamilton. Kissinger’s “On China” on the table. This is both a safe space and the Kali Yuga.
Being is in crisis—a significant threat to national security. NATOPS. SEINOPS.
America is already great. But we need to invade Annexia for intersectional Lebensraum. We have called our Israeli allies to drop rainbow bombs from their breast cancer awareness fighter jets. Mossad and John Oliver en route to EVISCERATE antisemite misogynist Bernie Sanders right now. #WITHHEROPS
The Absurd is the progressive negation? MAGA/PBUH/YHWH Let us return to the eternal unclimatechanging Earth.™ I’ve descended from my cave in the mountains, where I composed problematic broetry, to fight in the Ragnarok against the cucks and their algorithms.
When they go low we get high.
The memelord sets fungal ambrosia upon a peanut butter sandwich ever so daintily.
That was a million dialectical sublations ago. The moral arc of history is very long and bends, the moral arc bends, the moral bends, bends, breaks. Is Kojeve a wonk? Philosophers as mystical titan wizards, casting spells and performing deep intrigues with high stakes/stocks—Betrayal! Kojeve’s magic? But Brexit was just one dialectical sublation ago!
BROOKLYN: It’s time to admit that Hillary Clinton is an extraordinarily talented politician. She is Moses in Star Wars. What does the data say? They’re analyzing it in her HQ in trendy BROOKLYN. Even her algorithms are feminist. Took the Acela back to DC. Had to leave the quiet car to make a quick call to Brock. He wants a left Breitbart. Needs young blood. BrockOPS. PodestaCOM. Young blood. Liberal policy bro. Wonk. Words for @vox and @vice. Such filthy rich DC children can get away with anything. Crazy girl dating him, he’s the feminist gaslighter rapist type, she sighs out over cigarette smoke. Still in love, he’s a charmer. Took me on a date to Comet Ping Pong, he did. Call BROOKLYN later, to check in.
NEAR-FUTURISTIC MANHATTAN: Litany of cucks lining up at the great demonic tower to grovel to their new God. But not Glenn Beck—he doubled down on Ted Cruz fulfilling the Mormon prophecy of the (((priesthood rising))).
Nigel Farage, quoting Lenin: “Often there are decades in which very little happens, and occasionally, there are years in which decades happen.” He and Kanye West, Barad-Dur VIPs, get to cut the long line.
Donald Trump doesn’t read books. Socrates. TRUMPCOM. Meet the dapper racists in die Trumpenturmgesellschaft.
Žižek goes on the Alex Jones show to tell him he is more real than reality itself.
A million dialectical sublations ago they cheered the fall of the Third Republic. The Donald gazes down at the Tomb of Napoleon. In it, the vortex of all world history, manifest in a phantasmagoria of tweets and memes. Look closely, you will see some rare ones: the Traumatized-by-industrial-killing-at-the-Somme Pepe, the Mythic-return-to-the-question-of-Being Pepe, Mistah-Kurtz-he-dead Pepe, Wilhelm-Meister Pepe, Cubist Pepe, Moon Man crooning Dionysian dithyrambs.
Ezra Klein clears his throat. “You may think this is some kind of reactionary avant-garde, but actually, it’s a Russian psyop,” he says, pointing to Panslavist Dostoevsky Pepe.
Policy-dry fiction sold as truths—Just the Facts!™ Esoterica of politics, parasitic boredom and lifelessness smug tweeter factchecker WONK reaching consensus the Washington Consensus by researching the policy statements of dastardly Donald, around him swirling vicious whirlpool swirling around those hateful nerd eyes, you bastard you ironyyour shirts you. He dies of an epileptic seizure from the gif of a deplorable troll, planted terroristically in his mentions.
The President may not read books but he is well-versed in the forgotten wisdom of the ancients.
“πάντα ῥεῖ …” whispers the primordial Donald in the quivering ears of Mittens over a plate of frog legs, “We shall destroy all of the calculations. τὰ ὄντα ἰέναι τε πάντα καὶ μένειν οὐδέν.”